i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I need a burrito and a hug.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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