He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
