theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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