we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
