i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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