I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize