He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
