I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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