I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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