ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
