I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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