I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
