Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
