I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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