i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
