omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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