The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
