cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
