i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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