i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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