They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
