just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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