people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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