Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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