I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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