My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
