Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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