I just pynch a tree in the face
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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