Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
