i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
