I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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