my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
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