You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
