Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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