I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
