nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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