im drinking this country out of the recession.
Small penises have feelings too.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
