Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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