Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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