he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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