My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
