I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
