My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
