im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
