I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
