4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
