Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
