I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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