my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
