You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
