The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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