I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm bleeding and have questions
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
