I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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