Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
